Vulnerability

Becoming lighthearted Lori - 

In our work in Alternatives to Violence project ( AVP) We take adjective names, it needs to be something positive, something we are working towards. I am working towards becoming light of heart. My heart leans towards heavy, and serious, though it is very much about loving...

One of the exercises we do in prison is to talk about our first experience with violence. We do this with the entire group 20 or so people and 3 facilitators everyone talks one by one. 

One of my first incidents with violence happened when I was three years old. My parents had hired a male baby sitter. I remember being very afraid and stalling when it came time for me to go to bed. Anything I could think of ... 

It turned out later it was not my first experience but my second experience. This boy had baby sat me once before. He raped me both times. My parents knew about the first incident and had been advised by the boy's therapist to give him another chance, and that I would never remember and it would not hurt me. This was in the 1960's; apparently people were complete idiots back then. I don't blame my parents for this; they were very young and trying their best.

I have some things in common with many of the prisoners I met. I have been the victim a lot of violence brought on by men. Many of the guys in prison have been victims of violence starting from birth until it became their way of life. I often ask myself why: why some peoples traumas destroy them; why some people's make them stronger. 

In art school my major was textiles. It was my love of pattern and color that first hooked me. Studying textile art, I learned that most patterns, woven, printed or embroidered held messages about  protection, fertility, marriage status, etc....

Much of my personal art is and has been creating figures, symbols and patterns that I believed could protect people my children, myself and the people I care about.

Don't give up.

Spring will arrive

The top piece is a crab apple branch for Hennepin county medical center, post surgery.

 5 feet by 18 inches

Bombus Affinis 14 x 17 inches

I just returned from my third weekend in prison, with alternatives to violence program. I am now certified to be a facilitator. What does this mean exactly for me. I am still not completely clear why I am doing this. It has been very helpful to go into the prison and talk and listen to these guys; to see their humanity, their vulnerability, to listen to their stories and struggles. I feel hopeful that they desire change, but I also think I understand the reality of how hard this will be. Once they are released it will be very difficult for them to find work and shelter and very tempting to return to drugs and alcohol. Many will return to prison because it will become their only alternative. This is a very difficult to contemplate and part of where I struggle in what way can I help? I am only an artist, searching for an answer, I suspect the answer will be art. 

This is a piece I started after my second trip into the prison.. 

Healing...

What I learned on my adventure....

You can build community Anywhere.

Opening your heart and mind changes everything.

Beauty and love can be found in the most unexpected places.

I can write a long string of one liners about my experience but than that's all it is.

I spent last Friday, Saturday and Sunday in prison with 24 male inmates and 3 female outside facilitators. In a program called AVP http://www.avpusa.org Alternatives to Violence Project. In the weeks preparing for going to prison I was excited and nervous. As it got closer I felt fearful, I had knots in my stomach and I could not sleep. I questioned myself why was I going, what did I expect, why would anyone want to give up three days of their lives to go and spend it with criminals? 

A good friend of my mine who is an amazing story teller, told me about her experiences doing AVP,  she has been doing this for 5 years. One weekend a month. I knew I wanted to do this from the first time I heard her stories- but my life is very busy, I have children, I own a business and I am always working on numerous projects at the same time. But over the course of the past year it has become clearer and clearer to me that this program fit in with all the other things I do...

The experience is person to person, small group to small group talking and listening. One person talks and everyone else listens. We talked about violence. We talked about things we liked to do. What and who we care about. We talked about our experiences, positive and negative. We also played games and than there was lots of laughter. Everyone was open - telling very painful stories of abuse, neglect and violence. People talked about depression and loss and everyone listened. It was a safe and sacred space we were all in. Strangers in prison together.

I am still processing what I learned. I will be going back for the second part of the training in November. Where this is leading I do not know or exactly how it ties into my art. It's still a work in progress. I don't have any answers. I just know talking, listening and being vulnerable are really important.

One of my friends commented that I probably went there just as much for my own healing as anything. This was a painful thing to hear and probably quite true. 

This is a piece I made in response to my experience. It's not as simple as black and white.

Peace